Shark Ditty - Bait Balls and All

Published: May 18, 2023 Last Updated: May 29, 2023

Feral Shark Alarms (Stay Calm and Wipe Your Sweaty Palms)

(a cry for help by PC Peter Gardiner)

 

Coolum Beach's Patrol 5 has an unlucky charm out to inflict all manner of harm ... and by heck it's not a dead rotting albatross around their patrol captain's exposed neck.

This is much worse than that, disturbing their elusive beach calm, more cursed than if they'd killed a black cat ... it's called the feral shark alarm.

It's there mainly to disarm the danger of the bitey things creating mass mayhem ... and it usually works a charm, ensuring there's no bloody loss of life or limb for contrary bathers insisting on a swim.

 

But this wickedly wailing warning, to Patrol 5's unreceptive ears, only ever sounds you beaut when it stays stuck on mute, and people's right to stay in harm's way is not in dispute.

It usually blares its calling when the bait balls are boiling, and razor-toothed marine creatures come acalling in a slashing frenzy.

And all the while the blasé beachgoers shrug: who cares? As an angler with a landing net wades through the bait fish with a dead head, death wish.

The human burly shrugs, when warned he's next on the shark menu and decides to defy logic and continue, declaring: "No sweat, I've had a nibble, but I ain't been 'et yet"

He and his pals are making  patrolling hell for frazzled lifesavers after dashing pel-mell to take down the red and yellow flags, as the IRB bravehearts get a shark's eye view of a summer dip that's bound to not end at all well.

For these hapless volunteer crew, this is water torture deja vu, especially as this is, you see, shark fin emergency number three.

Alas, their frayed  nerves are screaming: "For christ's sake, is this another almighty pisstake?"

 

But the SurfCom decree states it can do without a Jaws II freeding frenzy slaughter, so out goes the order,  "keep the beach closed before there's buckets of blood in the water!", so stay calm and wipe your sweaty palms.

Trouble is there's swimmers who are thinking, your nanny state rules don't apply to me ... and  it's stinking hot enough to melt a thermometer's mercury.

So these determined carefree risk takers out in the cool ocean ignore the official scrutiny, instead they're preparing for a public safety mutiny.

They're mostly "hell no, we won't go" holidaymakers, insisting on their right to risk life and limb... just to give their kids a possible sacrificial, final swim.

 

That's because, ever since COVID flipped everyone's lid with a viral overload, the public's gone rogue and giving authority the bird is firmly in vogue.

So here's something most peculiar .... if you go down to the beach today, don't be surprised to see Patrol 5 ready on their knees set to pray,  for their shark torment to go away ... at least to Marcoola.

Their badly battered  attention span is rapidly receding  ... and, when off duty, they are mostly gazing anywhere but offshore, where those telltale diving seabirds are inevitably feeding.

... But don't worry,  ... it's just a permanent shark-free zone they're badly needing.

And their salvation is clearly apparent  ...all they really need for a fix, is rescue chopper Lifesaver 46 to carpet bomb Coolum Beach with 44 gallon drums of heavy duty shark repellent.